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The Ballad of Ninja Turtles’ Shredder

by Paul Strauss

“I’m a shredder… ’til someone betters me…” The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ archnemesis never really wanted to be a bad guy. He just wanted to be loved. At least that’s what I’ve been led to believe by this silly ballad by the guys at ADHD, which gives us some insight into the softer side of the blade-wielding baddie.

I hate the Turtles
I hate April O’Neil
But behind the mask
Why does no one ask
How Shredder, how Shredder feels?

I’m tired of fighting
I’m tired of charades
In charge of the foot clan but what kind of man Covers, covers up in blades?

Why am I so angry
Is it because I am alone
My friend’s insane
He’s a stomached brain
And my heart’s a technodrome.

When I was young, I dreamed it Ninjitsu was the life for me But it’s criminal
how invisible

This ninja turned out to be

It gets better
Oh you’ll see
My arms have knives that cleave to protect my heart on my sleeve I’m a shredder
Till someone betters me.

I want affection
For love, I’m swear I’m ready My sense of humor’s great And to demonstrate
I named my pets Bebop and Rocksteady.

No one can match me

Here’s what I’m getting at
I wish Hamoto Yoshi was mine But depending on the timeline He’s either dead or he’s a rat

It gets better
Oh you’ll see
Instead of turtles, I’ll shred lettuce
Leave the clan for a foot fetish Shredder
When will someone better me?

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